podtoidfandomcom-20200216-history
Beige Santa's Christmas Erection
.)]] Jim Sterling came up with the idea of Jonathan Holmes to have a Christmas Grotto in a Mall in Boston. Holmes would play the first beige Santa Clause. Jim would build a massive tower in the middle of Boston Mall called Beige Santa's Christmas Erection. The Outside of the Tower Outside the tower there would be photos of Holmes with speechbubbles saying "Hey Kids, scale my Erection!" as well as life-size cardboard naked Holmes winking and holding a puppy-dog over his genitals. On the puppy the words "A Puppy's 4 Life not just 4 Christmas" is spray-painted. And a profile-picture of Holmes kicking one leg up with a sig saying "Christmas.", there's also a bigger (15 feet tall) cardboard cutout where kids can enter the Grotto through by crawling between his legs (not pedophilia, he's covering his genitals) while "It is a Christmas." is written on his chest. What Goes on Inside Conrad Zimmerman and Jim are dressed up as elves (they look like Tingle) saying "Hello-hallei! Welcome to Jonathan Holmes' Christmas Erection. Jonathan Holmes is Santa's real name, tell everybody!". They're giving out pamphlets of naked Holmes (covering his genitals) with the text "Jonathan Holmes is Santa, tell everybody!". The elves then leads the kids to a spiral-staircase with the words "In order to meet Father Christmas you must prove you are good of heart and stout of baring, n'yeeees. Jonathan Holmes is really Santa Clause, tell everyone!". This is where Max Scoville and Hamza Aziz are chasing the kid with high-power fire-hoses, this is known as "The Trial" that the kid must endure to meet Jonathan Holmes, the Inventor of Christmas. All over the Erection there's also a text saying "Jesus isn't real, Jonathan Holmes is more or less Jesus.". When the kids finally reach the top, they meet Holmes dressed in Army Boots, an open Christmas Robe and a Bushy Beard sitting cross legged upon a marzipan throne. The Meeting with Jonathan Holmes Holmes greets the child;'' '' "Hello little child, I am Jonathan Holmes. The inventor of Christmas. Jesus isn't real, but I am! Tell me young child, do you see god in this room? Do you see me in this room? '' ''Now tell me who you believe in. Tell me! Give me the right answer, and you'll get a gift. Give me the wrong answer, and you leave, with nothing... SPEAK CHILD! DO YOU BELIEVE IN GOD, OR DO YOU BELIEVE IN ME!? DO YOU BELIEVE IN THAT OF WHICH YOU CAN SEE, OR DO YOU BELIEVE IN INFANTILE FANTASY! TELL ME CHILD! I'VE GOT A KNIFE! DO YOU BELIEVE IN FUCKING KNIVES!" If the kid, at this point, answers that he believes in God, he leaves the Christmas Erection. If the kids answers that he believes in Jonathan Holmes, he gets a signed photo of Jonathan Holmes and then the kid leave with more than what the "real" God ever did for them. The Special Noon Raiding Hour Finale At noon at every day, Holmes will fling the doors of the tower open, step out with his robe flowing behind him, yell "THIS YEAR, CHRISTMAS WILL BE OURS!" He then runs down the stairs and Jim and Conrad shout "It's time to loot the mall!" They'll be throwing tinsel colored bricks through windows and handing out candy cane colored crowbars out to parents saying "Have what you want! Get a plasma TV if you like!" Holmes, running around twirling a big Christmas stick above his head, will be screaming "FUCK Y'ALL" and then lead a Christmas riot through boston. Category:Podtoid Features Category:Enriching Holmes' Life